Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize