the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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