IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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