3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
