I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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