Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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