All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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