My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
