Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
