A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize