So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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