I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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