i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
