I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
