I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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