You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
