I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
