The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
