Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
