What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
