I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
