you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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