And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
