Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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