she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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