Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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