First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
