Already got asked if we're dating
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
