I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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