Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
