True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
