Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
