Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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