I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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