i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
