What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
