I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
