your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
