Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
