I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
