my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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