..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
