You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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