I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
