I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
