And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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