You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
