That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
