my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
