And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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