This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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