I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
