This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
