this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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