I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
