I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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