I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
