So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
