Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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