My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize