watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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