It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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