That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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