took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
