call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
