Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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