who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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