Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize