I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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