You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
